The Day When Kevin Meets the Geth
by Dr. Angryslacks
Summary: In the sequel, Kevin and the Cul-de-sac kids embark on an epic journey to encounter the menacing Geth. The question is: Can Shovel-Chin endure another inane and meaningless crossover?
1. Recap

**_A/N _**_ I'd like to thank DogDays124 for making the artwork to go along with this story, other than that I just want to say this is my first attempt at a first-person POV. Otherwise enjoy!_

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><p><em>I hate crossovers...<em>

Always welding one civilization with another. I am never too sure why they happen though; sometimes I believe that the visitors are sharing our world this whole time. Other times I think that, the whole universe is out of whack, causing others to fuse with it. Finally, when a day comes by that is completely silly, the idea of millions of god-like beings writing their tomes on the internet. Which depict characters from their favorite TV shows being stuck in a setting from their favorite video games for their own enjoyment, comes to mind.

That last thought is why I do not have my steaks served with mushrooms on the side anymore.

Anyway, to say things went crazy would be an understatement after what happened in the past couple weeks. The three Eds ran like hell after trying to scam my friends along with me out of our money for the umpteenth time. I do not want to go into details about it but it did not end well. Most of us were in bad shape after the scam, but we pursued the three anyway. The Eds sent us on a real chase, from an abandoned factory to a swamp. In that swamp I had and used an opportunity to spend a brief moment with my now girlfriend Nazz. Even though most of her hair was shaved off during the scam, it did not detract from her beauty in a big way.

Now do not get me wrong, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the world. However, I'm not complaining she is everything I need.

When me, Nazz and the rest of us made it to the Eds final destination, an ocean themed amusement park. We found the three speaking to the older brother of Eddy. By the time we reached them though it was around the end, Eddy was sobbing claiming he was only scamming me and the rest of us not for our money, but our respect.

We could have beat the stuffing out of him, but because he had the guts to say that straight to his brother-who was a bully to Eddy his whole life-They were forgiven and even became our new friends. On our way back we sang a song made up by Jimmy-or as I like to call him, "Fluffy"-titled "Friends Are There to Help You."

Things went great after the long-winded adventure, the day afterward. Nazz wanted to celebrate by hosting another one of her sprinkler parties. I went to her house that morning to ask how she was doing only to my surprise (and delight) that puberty hit her like a ton of bricks. I don't mean that she turned into a repulsive beast, but instead she now was a few inches taller, around Ed's height. There were huge Ds where there was once a flat chest, among other feminine curves around her body. In addition, all her hair grew back and any injuries healed.

Frankly, it didn't take long to agree with her that hosting a party where the dress code was swimwear would be a great idea.

Things didn't get started until around four in the afternoon, I was the cook, preparing assorted barbecue foods when the rest showed up. We all ate right away, ranging from squid to hot dogs. I was still hungry afterward, as I could only eat one hot dog. Why you ask? When-not if-_when_ someone would get a second frank, Eddy would use that joke every Goddamn time.

Anyway, afterward we all were just being chatty when Nazz came out. Not only did she look hot in a bikini, it seemed that her boobs somehow got even bigger. I was just about to kick Eddy's ass when he considering reusing Edd's nickname when things just went FUBAR.

Up in the sky, two massive starships appeared, a couple smaller ships flew out of one of them. Both drop ships landed in the street, they opened up and robots with laser guns marched out. However, the real terror emerged shortly afterward. He was some demon dude or something, but whatever he was; he didn't look very friendly at all.

Everyone gave up in a rather cowardly way; I should have too. Instead, I took a spatula, quickly dressed in my school clothes for some reason and confronted the demon. It mentioned something about 'fulfilling its purpose' and pulled out a metal rod which molded red energy into a staff while I held up my spatula. Before we fought, Eddy made a comment, but something about the comment just didn't sound right. It was like it wasn't his own words coming from his mouth.

To be honest, I can hardly remember the fight, it happened so fast. I don't even think I was in control, one moment I slice open the demon's arm, the next I'm jumping out of a house shortly before it went kablooey. Eventually I had him on the ropes, and when he questioned what I was, I replied by calling myself a 'Gary Stu'. I'm not sure who that is, and I'm not sure I willingly said that. It was as if I was aware of what was going on, but not in control. When I did say that I was a Gary, some dude I've never seen before whined about how it was not true. Meanwhile, some chick was making out with Ed while some agitated dude watched. Oh and there was a Sasquatch being awesome at the corner.

The demon dropped to the ground, while some old guy told me to finish him off. I was shot in the back by an irritating alien. I'm not sure what happened after that, the next thing I knew, the starships were leaving and Nazz ran towards me.

Then _it_ happened:

For some reason, I announced that I didn't do older girls, and then the worst thing could happen. Nazz began to shrink back to her previous prepubescent self, when it was over her breasts were gone and her bikini shrunk with her too somehow. To make things even worse, I unwillingly said, "That's better,"

No, it was _not_ better; it was _beyond_ horrible it was utterly _FUBFUBAR_. (This basically stands for _Fucked Up Beyond _Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition)

The next week I didn't go outside my room, I was _pissed _about what happened that day. The whole time I was "playing" Team Fortress 2. Even though I mostly just bitched about what happened until I got banned from every individual player on a server, I repeated that until I ran out of servers to complain on. Didn't matter, I hacked someone's account anyway. Apparently the person in question was in charge of a couple websites, but like I care.

About a week later, I cooled down enough to go outside, not to mention my hair grew out significantly. The whole cul-de-sac gathered around the playground, I walked down to see what was going on. Everyone including the Kanker Sisters was there, while Double D stood on top of the slide apparently ready to announce something.

"Welcome everyone, it's a wonderful afternoon today, although I'm sure you want to know why you're here right?" Edd opened,

"No duh Double D, get the damn show on the road already!" Eddy replied, already it seemed he was out of patience.

"Eddy, please there are children here!" Edd scolded the dork, even after becoming friends, I still occasionally called the Eds dorks. They don't seem to mind though.

"It's okay Double D, this story takes place in the 21st Century. If I don't learn how to curse, steal and fight now, I'll learn in school." Fluffy said matter of factly.

"Well… A-anyway the day after the invasion, I snooped around the junkyard searching for scrap metal for my inventions. After an hour or two, I found a small disk like device unlike anything I have ever seen. I made a stunning discovery shortly afterward, but if you want to know more, you must all follow me. Double D slid down the slide and began to walk towards the junkyard, some of us were a little unsure on joining him but we all followed the brainy dork.

When we _did_ learn about what he meant, things would change for better and worse.


	2. Prothean Jumpstart

We followed Double D through the junkyard, who droned relentlessly about his discovery. I will try to sum it all up.

The day after the invasion by that demon dude and his robot army, Double D scavenged the junkyard looking for scrap. Even though none of the robots stepped foot there, Edd searched onward. Eventually he found a pyramid with alien looking hieroglyphics on it. The dork uncovered it, but when he did, the pyramid lit up. The structure radiated a beam upon the Ed filling his mind with hallucinations. These images, apparently showed humanoid beings being hunted down by bipedal insects, all the while robotic stuff and apparently, a space station flashed about. From the way he described it, the whole experience sounded like something that would come form some video game Ed would have. However, even the sci-fi fanatic was utterly astonished and baffled by the story.

"Behold! The ruins of the Protheans!" Double D yelled to the crowd, "Oh my I forgot that part, after the vision, the pyramids tip opened up revealing this disc." Edd held up the obsidian black disc for all to see.

"Double D, what the hell! That thing alone is worth _billions_, and your playing show and tell!" Eddy roared, now reaching the point of being Ultra-pissed.

"Eddy! With something like this, empirical curiosity exceeds monetary supremacy! Anyway, I took my computer, hooked it up to a portable generator I made and inserted the disc inside. Needless to say, the computers internal hardware literally disintegrated upon closing the ROM drive, but then again my computer used Vista…" Edd chuckled at his joke, the rest of us were unsure whether to laugh too but we did nervously. "However, when I used my old computer that ran on Windows 95, a countless amount of data washed over my monitor. Using my keen and sometimes exaggerated intelligence, I have concluded that a race of alien beings known as the Protheans visited Earth fifty thousand years ago to study primitive humanity. Aside from the quadrilateral DNA strands, the unique thing about these Protheans is that they used an element I will dub Element Zero. When subjected to a positive or negative electric current, Element Zero or 'Eezo' increases or decreases the mass of matter within this 'mass-effect' field. Effectively allowing faster than light communication and travel, not to mention extreme medical, industrial and scientific breakthroughs.

I was overwhelmed, I think we all were. If all the stuff Double Dweeb said was true, then humanity has just skipped centuries worth of research in a single afternoon. I happened to be standing next to Marie Kanker, who silently repeated Edd's statement about mass being increased in a field of Eezo to herself. She then looked down at her flat chest for a couple seconds, then looked at the homemade generator, and finally back at the dork with a smile on her face. Meanwhile I quietly shivered about what was going to happen. "Where can we find some Eezo dear?" She questioned.

"Ah, it's great to see you have developed an interest in science Marie." Edd replied, completely oblivious of her intentions, yet I could not find the courage to tell him. "One of the entries in the disk referred to a small storage facility containing Eezo, platinum, iridium, palladium along with other useful elements nearby. In fact, we actually are standing over this facility right now."

"How do we get there honey?" Marie further inquired; I started to sweat nervously as her big plans were looming closer to maturity. Oh sweet mother of Kraff, why did I just think that pun!

"Well just follow me once again, and you'll see." Edd marched off towards the old power plant, while we pursued the brainy Ed once more.

After a couple short minutes, we all were in the building. Everything had dust, except for a part of the wall and a trail leading from the entrance to it. Obviously, something was hidden behind it, probably an elevator that leads to the facility.

Ed dashed to a control panel, laughing like a total doofus the whole time. "Alright Ed, remember to set the panel to twenty four hundred and one volts. Oh, and did the jerk store call back? Are they in stock?" Ed nodded no, "Darn, they haven't had a shipment in twenty eight years, did they say why?" Again, Ed gestured no, "Blast! Did they send the messenger?"

"Uh huh!" Ed blurted, "But he didn't get off world…"

"_Curses!" _Double Dweeb erupted with frustration, "Sorry everyone, this is the part where you all make mostly irrelevant and pointless banter to make the chapter longer than it really is. Get to it, besides it'll take a few minutes to power up the turbines."

"Gee, Plank! Isn't this wonderful I mean we get to see aliens! I bet if we meet a member of a blue-skinned all female race, they will have a blue tinted female version of you Plank. Can you imagine it, getting it on with someone like that?" Jonny said excitedly, I noticed though he was now weirder than normal. _Much _weirder than normal.

"I am poor, very very poor, I have no money. I have no meaning or purpose in life because I am poor; I have to buy groceries from the dollar store. That is just how poor I am, I cannot even watch television because I am impoverished. All I have is public broadcasting, that's just Communist and not the good kind either…" Eddy began to bitch about how he has no money again, "All my 70s stuff, I don't have an interest in that time period, my family just can't afford to update. All the kids in school including my friends go to McBurgerKong for an afternoon snack; I go there for the value menu on Thanksgiving. "

"Hey you! Stop bitching and get over it!" Some guy yelled at Eddy, he had blonde hair with a crazy angled hairdo, wore a black shirt with jeans, black shoes a pair of sunglasses. Oh, he was ripped and had an aura of Badass emitting from him too.

"But Johnny, I'm poor! If I abandoned all self-respect I have, I could mooch off of _Lee Kanker. _And then I could afford to eat three days a week!"

"_Three days a week! What kind of Eastern Alabama monkey feces is spewing from that cesspool of shit you call a mouth _**fatty**_?" _I noticed Johnny Bravo has already broken character, like we all have.

"But I have no money, when the peach harvest comes, I have to work one hundred and ten hours a week!" Eddy shot back, beginning to cry like a total sissy

"Okay, that's pretty bad, illegal actually, but I still can't provide sympathy for you." Bravo was a Badass, the first Badass from Aaron City. Although you would think, he would be a little nicer with Eddy's bro being a Badass as well.

"And my tears along with other poor peoples are stored on tanker ships sent to Southeast Asia for lubricant in the factories…"

"Orphanages!" Double D corrected.

"Right, orphanages machinery where they make assorted consumer products cheaply and for less compared to our own workers, and then our congressmen complain why our unemployment is so damn high! And when unemployment is high, nobody is working which means those people have no money! See where this is going?" Eddy went even further into his tear-filled tirade, while Johnny B. listened patiently. I looked over towards Double D, who watched Eddy, staring at him lustfully. Wanting to get it on with Eddy… I sure hope not.

"Oh Eddy, this isn't Starship Troopers, unless you can make an awesome movie about this fic, express your political views elsewhere." Edd said Eddly "I'd also like to let everyone know that the turbines activated three minutes ago, and I just waited until now to tell you."

"Let's go everyone! Rolf needs a line in the chapter!" Ed shouted smartly; yeah just think that over, Ed saying something smartly.

"Indeed, This One believes the time to retaliate against the demon warrior is near. Please follow This One as it heads to the Ed-boys fortress.

Lol what? What is going on with Rolf? He always referred himself in the third person but he may be taking it to the extreme now. I spoke up, "Darn it Double Dweeb, why wait to tell us? We need something related to the plot to happen right now."

"On it," Johnny B. grabbed the still sobbing Eddy and chucked him out of the factory through the ceiling. "You better go get him."

Ed, Marie, Jonny, and I all rushed out of the factory trying to reach Eddy's nearby crash site. Which just happened to be the Prothean pyramid, he ended up breaking it exposing a bluish sphere of energy. Eddy managed to jump away from the core, but he along with the four of us was being drenched over in the energy. Me and Marie to the brunt of it, while Eddy, Ed and Jonny received lesser doses. I fell unconscious shortly afterward.

When I _did_ awaken, I was put in the middle of all the insanity.

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><p><em><strong>AN** Please review, I'd appreciate some feedback for this story._


	3. Insert Mass Effect Related Title Here

I started to stir, my entire body was sore, especially at the joints. There were bright lights that kept me disoriented for a few more moments. As my eyes adjusted, I looked around my surroundings. I was lying on a bed in what appeared to be a medical lab. There were lots of high tech equipment, and the walls were a greenish sheen.

"Get up Kevin, they don't have all day!" A voice hollered, the voice turned out to belong to Lee Kanker. However, it sounded like she was older for some reason. Then the question came into thought: How long was I out? The last thing I remember is being exposed to the pyramids innards along with Marie, Ed, Eddy, and Jonny.

"What's going on?" I spoke groggily; I also noticed my voice was deeper which snapped me into a state of alertness. "What the fuck is going on!"

"Not much, everybody changed after you fell unconscious. Double D took us all aboard, and when we went to bed. Stuff happened; you might want to talk with everyone to find out more." Lee responded as I leaned up to see her, only to find that she indeed looked older. She was also wearing some futuristic suit, with an insignia of some sort on it. It almost looked like a checkerboard.

"Usually, you're not this friendly." I understated, I got up and found a suit resting on another bed. It was completely black and was woven with some high-tech fabric or something like that. Finally, it had 'ED' sown in the chest. "That suit isn't mine right?" I hoped,

"What do you think?" Lee replied, great, I have to walk around with people thinking I am a dork, or worse, think I have the other meaning…

I am really starting to hate this story.

Slowly but surely, I dressed into the suit and walked out of the Medical Lab and into the main hallway thing. Like the lab, the walls had a green sheen to it. Closest to me there were two tables with six chairs each, and a holographic monitor thing on the wall, there was also some alien sitting in one of the chairs. Across the hall was a walkway leading to a room I could not see from here. Down the hall were these pod things for sleeping, (I think) and at the very end was a door apparently leading to the 'Main Battery'.

I walked over to the alien; it was a big lizard man thing that menacingly stared back. It wore some type of metal armor painted green with red and white stripes that actually looked a little cool. Wait I only know one person who wears those colors…

"Come on Kevin let's dance! That's what kitty cats do!" The lizard man yelled with a really deep voice, meanwhile I face palmed audibly.

"Just tell me where Double Dweeb is Ed." I grunted in annoyance, so annoyed I did not even want to know what happened to him.

"One banana, two bananas, three bananas, four! Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more!" Ed leaped from his seat rushing toward an elevator around the corner. Again being moronic as always.

We entered the elevator, while Ed banged on the holographic buttons with the finesse of a heroin addicted polio victim. A small vial dropped out of his mouth. I picked up the saliva-drenched tube, and while I could not make out most of the label, it was apparently a sample of paint dating from 1977.

We reached the top floor, and there I figured out that we were on a space ship. Right in front of me there was a large hologram of a ship. I really do not know how to describe its shape, but on the sides was the word 'Junkpile'. When I walked closer, the hologram turned into a 3D map of the cul-de-sac. Looking around, I saw computers manned by background characters. In addition, there were doorways leading to the 'Armory' and 'Tech Lab'.

Bingo.

I entered the Lab, only to find another alien. Unlike Ed, Double D was somewhat scrawny, but he was always scrawny. He now had only three fingers per hand, and his exposed, elongated head was big-eyed and had purplish skin. His suit was… Let us just say Sockhead liked futuristic plastic suits.

"Ah, you arrived. Progress is excellent. Best to meet with the Council soon. Will require support for upcoming fight." Double D breathlessly said.

"You're not wearing your hat dork." Was my only reply,

"Indeed, lack of headwear means that the contents of my scalp are revealed. Therefore, it would mean one of the countless theories would have to be used. This could potentially repel potential readers. Fortunately, author was aware, and turned me into a Salarian. As a result any hair I may or may not have possessed was lost, and any injuries or deformities healed." Edd explained the precautionary measure. "Shame my attempts at speaking like a Salarian were dropped so abruptly."

"Just what is a 'Celareon'? And what about Ed, what happened to him or the rest of us?"

"*sigh* It's 'Salarian', did you not read the above text? Irrelevant however…" To spare you all the mindless details I will sum up on what happened after I passed out.

After falling unconscious, Double D and May carried us into the elevator I mentioned earlier. He opened up the entrance to the Prothean facility, while the part of the group who was still awake marveled the brainy dork's work. He told him that he spent the whole week building a starship with Ed. He did not make some collection of scrap metal and twigs either. The fact that I am standing in it is clear that using alien construction methods has its benefits.

"I'd like to go further but what happened to the kids?" I asked the alien Ed.

"Well, we all had some form of metabolic acceleration, likely because it would be considered ridiculous for a bunch of kids to perform whatever future events may hold. In other words, everyone has become older." Double D opened, "Some of us however turned into entirely different humanoid species. As I said, I am a Salarian now, a warm-blooded amphibian. Ed has become a Krogan, a reptilian that has two sets of each organ. May turned into a Quarian; I do not actually know what she looks like because I had to make a full-body suit for her before metamorphosis. Lastly, Nazz is an Asari, a blue-skinned race with tentacle like hair. Anyway, why don't we gather the crew and then we can all talk in the Communications Room?"

If Jonny is still interested in his weird fetish, I will kill him myself.

"So, where is everyone anyway? I'll have to round them up." I queried the alien,

"I'll take care of it; simply talk to the pilot of our ship." Edd raised his hand, and a holographic gauntlet thing appeared. He fidgeted with it while I left the lab; I walked around the hologram of the cul-de-sac which morphed back into the Junkpile ship once I went far enough. Down the hall were more tertiary characters on computers, and two guys in the cockpit.

"Location Creampuff?" One of the guys asked sitting in a seat on the right. He had three hairs standing up, therefore he was Eddy.

"A broken down factory outside Detroit. Altitude is fifty five kilometers and holding. That will give us around twenty seconds to build up speed before we have to pull up. Local time is 23:38 EST. All systems are nominal."

"Ordinance armed,"

"Ready for drop, I only need to press the button." Jimmy pointed to yet another holographic button, the word 'ARMED' flashed in red above it.

"Target in sight,"

"No, can't see through all the grime. I'll find it in a few minutes; go with Kevin to the Tech Lab, while I find it."

"Alright Shovel-Chin, let's go." Eddy stood up from his seat and walked off, I followed afterward.

We walked back to the Lab, where Double D stood alone.

"Okay Sockhead, where is everyone?" Eddy asked, agitated that he had to abandon his work.

"They're at their respective stations, doing stuff." The Salarian replied,

"Weren't you supposed to gather everyone?" I was getting really irritated by this Ed/alien thing.

"No need to, latest invention will allow us to skip all the details of alien forms, potential character development, explanation of attack on the Demon and his robotic army, among other wastes of text. Behold, the Plot Hole!" Double D held out his gauntlet thing and projected a portal leading into darkness. "Simply step in and we will arrive at the end of the chapter. Should be exciting."

"But now with that portal, what's the point of our readers in viewing the rest of the story?" I asked, worried of the future chapters contents.

"Just step in the portal," Eddy walked in being engulfed in Nihilism immediately afterward. I followed, and found myself in front of the cul-de-sac map.

"Everybody prepare for atmospheric escape," Jimmy announced over the intercom.

"Come on Fluffy! Push the button already!" I noticed Eddy being carried away by Marie and Jonny. Jonny was basically the same except taller, but Marie… Let's just say she was exposed to a positive electrical current near her chest area when we were exposed in the mass effect field of the pyramid. Or I could just say she now has big boobs, but then again it's _Marie Kanker _we are talking about.

"Sorry Eddy, but if we go through with bombing Troy, we'll gain the ire of artists. Artists who can make yaoi about us." Jimmy apologized to the three-haired Ed.

"La LA La LA LA la La la LA1" Ed ran around being stupid, he did run for President in 2000, then again more notoriously in 2004 after all.

"_**I HATE RICH PEOPLE!" **_Eddy was finally Ultra-pissed, as he roared, a purplish white aura radiated from him. Jonny and Marie backed away as he held out his right hand and picked up a cookie three feet away with his mind. He moved the cookie right behind Jimmy's seat, and let it hover there. "Oh Ed, _**COOKIE!**_"

Ed looked at the cookie and made a beeline for it. At first he was running like a doof, then with utter rage. I've never seen someone charge so fast.

"Eddy please for heavens sake!" Jimmy pleaded for the dork to throw the cookie away. Neglecting the controls, the ship made a very steep dive towards the city.

"You referenced religion Jimmy, bad idea. It's dark chocolate chunk Ed!" Eddy's remark only made the Krogan Ed to charge even faster. He should have collided with Jimmy by now with the force of a freight train. As the hall wasn't that long, but whatever.

"Okay, I'll drop it! Please don't kill me!" Jimmy slammed the button, then retook the controls and pulled the ship back up into the sky.

"Launch a probe; I want to see what happens when you mess with poor people like me!" Eddy laughed while throwing the cookie into Ed's gaping mouth. The Krogan dork stopped dead in his tracks only inches from Fluffy's chair just like that.

Anyway, I looked on a nearby monitor which had a camera view of the probe. The device saw the small bomb zoom towards the ground, but just when it was like a few hundred feet off the ground. It exploded shooting some kind of vapor in every direction. Only for the vapors to ignite, creating a dense fog covering the suburbs.

"What was that!" I demanded from the dork,

"A fuel-air version of the El Mongo Stink Bomb, super compressed by mass effect fields. Increasing the blast radius and potency hundred fold!" Eddy maniacally laughed, "Serves them right, those Upper-class SOBs! The stink will be absorbed into the buildings, reducing their property value to next to nothing! Even _more_ then they already are! As a result, Troy will be reduced to a slum in a matter of hours, and the rich people there will lose all their money!"

"Fight the Power Eddy! How's that for trickle-down economics!" Jonny high-fived Eddy, using his own mind powers, Jonny pushed a button across the room. This turned on a disco ball and dance floor complete with music. Did I mention the button was holographic? Still, if Eddy and Jonny can use mind powers, and they were exposed to the pyramid, that would mean…

I thought of making a barrier or something, and I flashed with purple energy as well. Sure enough a shield formed around me, only to disappear immediately afterward, but I could still feel it.

This is actually pretty cool really, invisible shields, telekinesis, maybe this fic isn't so bad. I looked into the map, zooming out of the cul-de-sac the Earth and when the Milky Way was in full view. I selected a new destination called the 'Pavilion', and Jimmy set a course for it.

When we _did_ reach the Pavilion, I learned it's a small galaxy after all.


	4. Actual Story Development? DUN DUN DUN

**A/N** _Okay all one of my reviewers, this is how the chapter will be laid out. One third is largely pointless speculation, another third is actual action, the last one is where this story finally finds purpose. I have included line breaks to make it easier to tell each section apart. Oh, and no offense to anybody._

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><p>I stared at the map for what felt like an hour, the contents of said map were the North American continent. As the <em>Junkpile <em>left the Earth's atmosphere and orbited the moon, Double Dweeb suggested we return to the cul-de-sac to gather our assorted items of value.

"Commander are you just going to stare at the map all day or are you going to bring us home?" Yeoman Sarah queried, yeah she was the Yeoman. Actually, I suppose the cheap age acceleration plot device is not so bad, Sarah does look hot. Of course, I would never say that aloud because Ed would unleash his retard strength upon me.

"I… I cannot… I can't!" I blurted aloud, gaining the attention of everybody nearby. "I just can't, too much is at stake!"

"But you have to; we need our stuff before we can go to the Pavilion." May informed me; I turned around to see her walking out of the Communications room. Not much to say about her really, gray full body suit, intricate patterns, reasonably sized boobs. Damn it why do the Kankers have to have breasts, and why do I care, it is not as if I want to have a romance subpl… Never mind.

"You don't understand, none of you understand. This is something that could very well fracture the fan base permanently. Where years of research and belief are thrown to waste. Where after countless hours of speculation, the one true faith is revealed!" I was sweating, tears spewing from my eyes. I was reduced to a pathetic excuse of a cartoon in only seconds.

"You fool; the FCC will be all over us. All of you keep referencing religion! Eddy surged with Eezo as he rushed down the hall from the cockpit. "They will tear down this story due to its lack of theistic neutrality. Largely because they want all cartoons to be biased towards their own **AGENDA**!" Jonny rushed out of the armory with a futuristic shotgun in hand, while Double D pointed his holographic gauntlet or 'Omni-tool' at me. Meanwhile Sarah stepped back into the Communications room behind me next to the elevator, standing in the doorway watching.

"**NO! ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG!" **I erupted with Eezo, and before I knew it, I was hovering off the floor. The entire deck flowed with my purplish white energy pushing everyone away. Eddy and Jonny only staggered a little because they used their own mass-effect fields to protect themselves. Double D and May were slammed into the wall, both groaned in agony. Sarah was launched into the Comm room, landing right next to Ed, who was playing Halo: ODST.

"Baby sister no! I'm going to kick your ass and chew bubble gum Kevin!" I heard him roar, I turned to see a Krogan shooting at me with dual SMGs that somehow he pulled out of the game. Something also told me he did not have any bubble gum. I concentrated all my radiating energy into a circular barrier, just to hold back the unbalanced number of bullets. Fortunately, he ran out and immediately forgot what he was doing, which resulted in him throwing the guns away and continuing his session.

"Everyone, Comm room now! You too Fluffy!" I announced over the intercom, dropping my Eezo barrier as I entered. The room itself was… Well it looked like the Comm room on the Normandy SR1 except with green walls and six extra chairs. Wait I did not say that, what is going on here?

About a full minute after my announcement, everybody was sitting in the Comm room. Rolf, he was our mess sergeant, clearly there are not enough good roles to go around. Did I mention he was also a jellyfish and whenever he spoke, he would light up?

"This One is most curious yet irritated on why we are summoned. This One's work is regarding the efficiency of the _Junkpile_, The carnivorous needs of This One are insufficient, particularly the ingredients of the dish from Hamburg. This One questions the location of the cow flesh." Rolf said, in his jellyfish form even mid-80s pop-culture references are needlessly complex.

"Alright everybody, I called you all here because we have problems that need to be addressed, our story is in danger of devolving into mindless drivel. Second we need a plan on attacking the Demon and his robotic army…" The last one took every bit of courage I had to say it. "Third, we are going to reveal the true location of Peach Creek."

The room fell silent, next to what is under Sockhead's hat; the location of Peach Creek is the most sought after knowledge ever. Hell even _we_ do not know where it is and we live there.

"So what theory are we going to use?" Nazz asked, she looked like her eighteen-year-old human self, but now was an Asari.

"I don't know! Johnny Bravo, do you have any ideas? Wait where'd he go?" I replied, while Ed pointed to the monitor, which showed that somehow. Johnny entered the game and was standing triumphantly over a pile of bodies that composed of the Chief, Arby, Sergeant Johnson, the Rookie and six more Spartans I never seen before. Johnny was a Badass at its finest that is for sure.

"ALL WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG" Ed chanted repeatedly.

"Sarah, are you letting Ed listen to God Lives Underwater again? Even if he isn't I don't think those are the lyrics," Jimmy asked,

"Yeah he is, it gives him purpose." She replied,

"Oh dear, we're once again being sidetracked. To make matters worse we didn't skip the wastes of text, merely delayed them." Double D spoke up, everyone except Ed quieted down, but with a snap of Edd's fingers. The Krogan was flash frozen, allowing me to continue.

"Okay we'll need to pick one, everybody start searching."

"No need to dude, I have a few right here" Johnny B. leaped out of the monitor with documents in his hand, "Alright Commander, you're going to go over them. Take as long as necessary to prove if any of them are viable. However, simply reading a couple papers is not enough. Fatty, when the _Junkpile _lands at the cul-de-sac. I want you to traverse it alone, and then return to the ship where you will confirm or deny the evidence." This is big, I fear by the time this is over, the cul-de-sac may never be seen the same way again.

"How come I have to go, I mean do I really have to walk through desolate wastelands all the time? It gets boring really quick after all." Eddy protested, probably referring to another fan fiction.

"I have jawbreaker cake; you know you want the cake fatty." Johnny pulled out a small, blue, and spheroid dessert.

"Okay I'll do it, but only if you give me the cake." Eddy agreed to the deal as Johnny tossed the documents to me, while I walked back to the map to study.

After a few minutes of reading nonstop with the utmost vigilance, I set a course to the first hypothetical location of Peach Creek, which is in Florida. We touched down, and the dork landed on the surface in an ATV.

"Ground team, this is Command what is your status?" Fluffy announced, whom I just happened to be standing next to.

"Come on guys it's not Florida, sure we have a swamp, but we also have lots of snow in the winter." Eddy returned to the Junkpile shortly after, which allowed us to continue.

As the ship was on its way to the second location, I thought it over. This story has just declared that the theories of Peach Creek being in Florida are false. Tens of fans are now lost, unable to cope that their lives of speculation have gone to waste. I would sourly blame their false beliefs on their incest or something cruel and stereotypical like that, but then again we are all related to each other. Except for Lee, Sarah, myself and sometimes Ed.

We now reached the second site of speculation, Connecticut and the adjacent New England states. Once again, Eddy got on his ATV and searched the second cul-de-sac.

"Alright dorky, is this our home?" I asked,

"Well, this one is more plausible _Junkpile_. The climate does match our own, there are swamps, and the mountains they are a little tall to be Appalachian though. No sign of a desert, Mondo A Go-Go could easily fit in the Lemon Brook area if that place is a coastal town. Lastly, my ancestors who founded Peach Creek resembled pilgrims, further suggesting we live in the New England area. The city itself is not too fitting, but overall it looks very plausible that Peach Creek is here. I'm returning to the ship, we will still need to check the last location for a definitive answer."

"Is it me or does Eddy know his geography? Because he can't do shit in that class." I spoke up,

"Simple, if the plot demands Eddy to be smart, then he will become as intellectual as needed. I find it most unnecessary for you to use profanity to criticize his grade point average however." Double D answered,

"Where did you come from? Shouldn't you be in the lab?"

"Again, the plot demands I appear unannounced to answer your questions. As a result, here I am."

"Ho-ly, what was that!" Eddy screamed, "It was like a robot or something, I think it had a flashlight for a head. Then it turned invisible, people we have to get the Hell out of here! I'm in the ship go!"

On cue, Jimmy pulled the _Junkpile_ into the sky and off we went. I returned to the map, and once again, many who wondered are wrong. However, I'm not talking about the people in New England, that place has enough going on to keep it viable, I'm talking about everywhere else. The faith of millions is now at risk, and for what? Just to satire it, because of some perceived competition with nobody?

Fuck, I am losing it. I had to fight back that demon dude all by myself, suffer through having Nazz turn into an adult then change back to normal only to then turn into an alien adult. Then I have to be in charge of a spaceship, gain superpowers, and ruin the days of millions. Moreover, that was just the first half of this fic!

Then I thought about it, during the fight against the demon warrior. I claimed that somebody called 'the author' turned me into a Gary Stu. I am sure it had something to do with my current situation, yet I just cannot figure it out.

Finally, we made it to the last of the three suggested locations. The area surrounding Vancouver, Canada. However, I cannot help but feel there is some bias involved with this one.

"I'm on the surface, this climate is largely similar to New England, but I suppose downtown Peach Creek does resemble Vancouver, and the mountains are more accurate. However, there is still the desert near Peach Creek, something that is not present near any of the sites. Eddy surveyed the third and final cul-de-sac, enlightening us with speculation.

"According to Johnny's documents, the desert can be ignored on the grounds that we are 'a flippin' cartoon'. Using that logic, the supposed deserts near Connecticut and Florida can be ignored as well."

"But my ancestors also resembled pilgrims, and it wouldn't make sense for pilgrims to be in Canada or in the Pacific coast either."

"Irrelevant, I have come up with the conclusion that the Florida theory is false, and neither of the others are one hundred percent accurate. In short, Bravo's research is inconclusive." Double D added, who used his already exploited intelligence coupled with Salarians thinking really really fast to do so.

"So you're telling me that we just spent half a chapter looking for our houses, just so we could evaluate potential locations of Peach Creek in an ultimately inconclusive study? Then you wonder why almost nobody reads this fic?" Jimmy said, and while that may not be the case, why nobody reads this… Damn it is the author begging for reviews within the story itself, how desperate.

* * *

><p>Eddy returned to the Junkpile and we set off for the Pavilion, nothing too interesting really. Spaceship flies into outer space, discovers some space station around Pluto, next thing we know we are at another part of the galaxy. Despite our seemingly anti-climatic journey, I was not there to see the whole thing myself.<p>

When the ship was passing Saturn, Eddy requested immediate assistance. He was under fire from robots with flashlights for heads. The rest of us were a little scared to go down and fight them off, but the dork would certainly die if we did not.

Everyone was still gathered at the Comm room when this happened; none of us was readily armed on the ship except for Eddy who had a pistol with him and Jonny who still had his shotgun. I enlisted the just unfrozen Ed and Double D to join me in taking down the robots. Jonny gave Ed his shotgun while Edd gave me an SMG he took from the armory, not like the one Ed used to shoot me, but one that used mass effect fields to propel bullets at high-speed. Lastly, Double Dweeb just held up a pistol claiming his Omni-tool would suffice.

We did not hesitate; we entered the elevator and went down to the hanger where the robots and dork were held up. I noticed Ed was now serious and didn't act like a doofus, further fueling the cliché.

We reached the hanger, which while the bay was just a wide open space the size of half a basketball field, the robots and Eddy laid down deployable hexagonal shields to create cover. As these shields absorbed fire, they would turn from cyan to magenta and then collapse. Overall, there were three shields on Eddy's side, and five on the robots side.

There were five robots, four were obsidian black and appeared to be normal foot soldiers armed with assault rifles, while the last one was taller, silver, and had a flamethrower. One of the troopers was on the ground with a massive hole in its torso, showing that the dork was holding his own.

Ed, Sockhead and I all rushed to the shields, while Eddy laid another shield for Double Dork. The four of us exchanged fire whenever one of the robots went out of cover and vice versa. Occasionally the silver bot-or as I will call a Hunter- would turn invisible to try to surround us, but Ed would blind fire every where in the machines general direction with his shotgun which kept it behind cover. About four or five minutes into the stalemate, I thought up of a plan.

"Double D, do you think you could hack that big robot to make it fight for us?" I hollered to the Salarian Ed-boy.

"Yes but only for a few seconds, and only if we can drop its shields." He yelled back, the thing the robots had that we did not was personal shields. I suppose Eddy, Ed and I could form barriers with our powers, but Edd's on his own.

"I can do that!" Eddy pointed his own Omni-tool at the silver robot, after a burst of light from the machine; it could be assumed that the dork dropped its shields. How I do not know or care, it just let me continue

"Don't take it over yet Double D, only when I say when I say so!" I then shot a few rounds at a trooper, or more like the shield it was hiding behind. Then I put my plan into action.

I held out my arms, but not too far out, so they would not be shot. I once more surged with Element Zero, as a vortex formed in between the robots and us. The three trooper bots were pulled from the safety of their shields and floated around helplessly. The Hunter was too big and heavy to be pulled in

"Now Sockhead!" On cue Double Dweeb held out his Omni-tool and the Hunter jerked briefly.

Before aiming its flamethrower at the troopers. Ed screwed everything up however, as he ran behind the Hunter and unleashed buckshot after buckshot into the back of the robot. I lost focus due to Ed's foul-up and the vortex faded, which caused the troopers to hit the ground. Although I guess the shotgun did not use buckshots, or that the troopers were pretty much destroyed by the time I dropped them. Therefore, I suppose Ed did not screw anything up at all.

The fact that hostile robots just attacked us reminds me of the demon warrior. Although these weren't the type he led, so who else is out to get me?

* * *

><p>"Commander, the Furtive Toon would like to speak with you." I heard Sarah announce over the intercom, not a creative name but eh. I went all the way back to the Comm room, which was vacant by now. After some seizure inducing flashes of light, I was staring at a man who was sitting in a recliner with a burning asteroid in the background. The Furtive Toon was wearing some kind of silver superhero costume, a golden cape, black mask with glowing orange eye things. (he didn't have irises or pupils)<p>

"I assume you have no idea who I am and are oblivious to why you're summoned." The Toon questioned,

"Who are you, and why am I here?" I looked around, unsure of where I was, unwittingly sounding stupid as well.

"Me, lets just say I bumped into a writer guy I know, who was desperate and wanted me in this role. I told them I was busy watching CHiPS all the time, but the funds were sufficient and I asked where to sign." The Toon answered, "But that is not important, I called you to warn you of a greater threat than the demon and his robotic army or even the Demon and his robotic army."

Again, didn't expect that did you?

"Just who could be worse than those two?" I asked,

"Fanfiction writers, both our salvation and curse, both god and devil. Sometimes they allow us to go on epic adventures that exceed the show that it's based upon. More often however there are countless mediocre stories to be told, often about us finding love with a member of the same gender or entering a contest. Nevertheless, it is parodies that our threat lies in. Every so often, a grand parody arrives that satires all stereotypes of our fan fiction with great effect, only to be never heard from again. The last one was discontinued some time ago."

"So what's the problem? Are the writers just too lazy to continue?"

"No, I'm certain that the Authors exterminate them efficiently. They do not harm the writers themselves, but instead the Authors pour out more mediocre stories in an attempt to mask said parody. As a result the writer will awaken some day only to see their story seems less amazing than it really is. Which forces them to go into overdrive to try to impress the crowd. Unfortunately their gifted minds can only go so far, and they know if they go through with their plan. They will expend their best jokes and burn out too early."

"Which means the longer they decide, the less motivation they will have to choose. Although what if they do decide to update without kicking into high gear?" I questioned the figure,

"Then the Authors repeat the process as many times as necessary until the writer either finishes the story earlier than intended or gives up all together. It's rather ingenious really, by creating a surge of shovelfics. The Authors not only exterminate the parody, but also perpetuates the clichés. Allowing future parody writers to satire them, and the cycle starts anew. A cycle that has been repeated ad infinitum since we first had fanfiction."

"How am I going to stop them, and why haven't they gone after us?"

"They did, you are meant to be in a trilogy. So in an effort to prevent that, they sent a vanguard to break your attempts at satire in the first installment."

"So that's what the demon dude meant about 'fulfilling his purpose.'"

"Precisely, from my calculations, you have made it so far only because the Cabal is supporting you from behind the scenes, and that the Authors underestimate you. They believe you don't have the jokes to stand against the heavyweights they exterminate." After reading the previous three chapters, I had to agree with him to some extent. "By now you should be at the Pavilion, you need to enlist the help of the other cartoons if you are to succeed in breaking the cycle forever."

"What about you, and what do you mean by 'Cabal?'" Before I could ask him, I was back in the _Junkpile's_ Comm room. I walked out of the room and down to the cockpit to see outside the ship. There was a massive space station, the top half was in the shape of an 7x2 chessboard. The words "Cartoon Network" on each space. The other half of the station, was practically an enormous orange neon sign which said "Pavilion" As we were docking in the first 't', we received a message containing a song. The song was an obvious parody of the Cluckin' Bell jingle from the early '90s. To make it even weirder, it was sung by Fred Flintstone and the Powerpuff Girls.

* * *

><p><em>Yabba Dabba Doo, when the fans lose interest,<em>

_Yabba Dabba Doo, when a cartoon wanes._

_When tolerance for reruns begins to thin,_

_Come to the Pavilion,_

_From the Primetime to the public domain,_

_A cartoons fate is filled with pain._

_We take in CN classics and originals_

_Sixties, Seventies, Eighties, Nineties Millennials _

_Sure, it's a place to curl up and die._

_At least there isn't Johnny Test or TDI._

_We were great cartoons way back when,_

_But now we are at the Pavilion._

**The Pavilion, it's better than Boomerang!**

* * *

><p>Well, we made it to the Pavilion, and now we need allies to fight the Authors. This looks so difficult I can't even use the running gag here.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN** _This is the part where I explain what I'm riffing, I most certainly am not imitating that **other** parody:_

_I'd like to credit Jspyster1 and the late Edder for their respective "evidence" on the location of Peach Creek. Jspy believes that due to it's relation to A.K.A. Cartoon, and that downtown P.C. somewhat resembles Vancouver. Therefore it's logical that Peach Creek is a border town near Vancouver, at least according to him. For Edder, I don't know where the idea of P.C. being in Florida came from. Although it was a nice way to remember "How To Survive the Zombie Apocolypse" I just wish what happened to him... Oh, and the New England theory is just personal opinion._

_Anyway if I don't get 20 reviews, I'm not updating. Just joking, but please review._

**_I can neither confirm or deny the existence of the Cabal._**


End file.
